Short entry... of jokes

"Life is like a penis. Simple and relaxed until a woman comes along and make it hard."


"My friend's facebook status is "At f*cking school."
and I'm thinkin he's either upset that he's in class, or is enrolled in the greatest learning institution of all time."

"What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting outta bed."

"Me: Dad, how does it feel having an awesome son?

Dad: I don't know. Ask your grandpa."

I told a chemistry joke once.
It didn't get a reaction.

...Here's the joke:

So hydroxide, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into a bar.
The bartender shouted: OH SNaP

'One person's junk is another man's treasure.'
That doesn't sound gay at all.

The thing about "your mom" jokes is that they're all old and used up.
Like your mom.

I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

My girlfriend came out of the bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved down there. you know what that means?" I said, "the drain is clogged?"

Mom: Eat your carrots!
Me: I hate carrots!
Mom: But they like you~
Me: Because I don't eat them!!

I'm really excited for school to start!
I got a new white van and tons of candy for the kids!

"I call it squishy, and it shall be mine, and it shall be my squishy."
"having fun with my boob, hun?"

Death: It's your time. Give me your hand.
Guy: No! I know that if I don't touch you, I won't die!
Death: OMG you figured out the key to living forever! High five!
*high fives*
Death: Dumbass...

I hate it when I sit down to take a nice, relaxing poop and my butt is like "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!!"

"Call your doctor if you experience diarrhea, loss of vision, or death."
Yeah, in the middle of blindly taking a shit and dying, I'll give the doc a ring.

If you watch Titanic backwards, it's a heartwarming story of a ship that jumps out of the water and saves a bunch of drowning people.

It's such a bright, lovely day outside. It makes me just wanna get up, walk over to the window, and shut the blinds so there isn't so much glare on my computer screen...

When people say, "he's a nice person once you get to know him,"
what they mean is, "he's a douchebag but you'll get used to it."

Winning an argument with your girlfriend is harder than convincing your grandma that you're not hungry.

7 Rules for Dating My Daughter (Father Edition)
1) You make her cry, I make you cry.
2) Bring her home late, there's no next date.
3) Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health.
4) If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
5) No complaining while you're waiting for her. If you're bored, change my oil.
6) If your pants hang off your hips, I'll gladly secure them with my staple gun.
7) Dates must be in crowded public places. You want romance? Read a book.

If he compliments your shirt, he's looking at your boobs.
If he compliments your pants, he's looking at your ass.
If he compliments your shoes, honey he's gay.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

Two Italian men with strong accents are sitting behind a woman on a bus, having a conversation. "Emma comes first, then I come. Two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Then two asses, they come again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once more." Upon hearing this, the lady yells, "you pigs! in this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey ey ey, coola down lady," the man says, "I'mma just tellin my friend how to spella Mississippi."

How to cook frozen food:
1) Take it out of the box
2) Read instructions on the box
3) Throw away the box
4) Put food in oven/microwave
5) Take box back out of the trash cause you don't remember the instructions

If a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder", then what would you call men's underwear? "under the butt nut hut"? "over the hip wienie grip"? "over the crack sack shack"?

I got a card today saying, "I love you! from you know who <3"
Why the f*ck is Voldemort sending me love letters...

Friend: What's wrong Paul?
Paul: Remember that girl at work that I wanted to ask out but I got an erection every time I talked to her?
Friend: Yea?
Paul: Well, I finally did it and she said yes.
Friend: That's Great! How did it go?
Paul: Well, I was afraid I would get an erection, so I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg. Then I went to her house, and she was wearing the tiniest, sexiest dress ever!
Friend: So what happened?
Paul: I kicked her in the face.

Calculators: Weapons of math destruction.

"can I borrow a pencil?"
"sure, but it doesn't have an eraser."
"life doesn't have an eraser."
"..............that was deep."

Three personalities of guys:
1) when he is with his family
2) when he is with his friends
3) when he is with her

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.

Pimp your Smartphone

You like your smartphone?

And is it not in Apple's iron cage then have a look at the following:

CyanogenMod
CyanogenMod is a ROM to Android - lite, rather easy to use and nice to look at.

How it works

All Android phones have a "base", so to say. It's the operating system from where the calls get handled, music gets played, SMSs goes in and so forth - EVERYTHING is handled there.

But it's most likely you don't see this...

The system is covered by the producer's ROM - a layer upon the original - to make things look nice. And it works... mostly.

With CyanogenMod you can now see how many percent is left of the battery, you can design the drop down menu, design the lock screen, how much the phone is playing when you put in your earplugs ( X % = Y dB ) but far more important that the above - you get a better battery time.

   

So can you get it to your phone?

And then I just installed it
... yeah, about that.

If you don't wanna take a chance you can fuck this up badly... like your-phone-keeps-rebooting.
So heads up.

There is a tutorial for each phone and device at the link above, select it, and hit "WIKI". Follow it to the dot unless you are a real computer geek (which means more than me - that's quite a bit).
You need to root the phone. Here's a link.

It takes some time to do but it's awarding

The device works faster, like you want it to and you get rid of all the pre-installed programs for music, social hubs and so on.

Of cause there are other ROMs out there, but I'm yet to find one that is better.

Music to rock tha house

This entry is about good music.

You think you know what you like to hear - I doubt it
Cause only when you have heard some real' good music you know what's worth listening to!

Here's some guidelines:

1. The track can be repeated the first 3 times and still give you chills-of-awesome
• I write "track" because music isn't just about the singer. 
2. Even thou you aren't a drummer, you still hit the air-cymbal when the chorus comes
3. When you close your eyes you are another place
• ... or you are playing in the band in another dimension
4. The full track has more than 4 different chords.
• There are a few exceptions to this, but they are rare
5. The track isn't good because the singer has a good looking body
6. The track suck them-big-balls if there is more dance than song in the music video
7. There is more singing than screaming
• I'm not talking 51 % / 49 %
• I'm talking at least 80% / 20%
8. The genre "ROCK" and "METAL" isn't reserved to male singers
9. Tracks going *UMP'TI-UMP'TI-UMP'TI* suck-moar-of-them-big-balls if they don't comply to rule number 4.
10. If some parts of your body doesn't follow the rhythm and you don't have a hard time not humming the text or nodes - it's not good enough
11. If some of your friends says "that's not good" it can still be
• If all your friends says "that's not good" you need new friends or recheck this list
• ... maybe both

So I know what I'm talking about?

Sure do. And I'm qualified!

I played lead guitar in a few bands for about 6 years and drums for 2. When you have done that you must enjoy what is being played and how it sounds.

You can play all the "G-B-C" songs and think "yeah, it's good - people are dancing.... but I'm BORED" - cause this doesn't comply with rule number 4.

You can play all wicked chords, fancy solos and really feel the bass but those who listening to it only lift the one eyebrow and perhaps shaking the head from side to side ( see rule 10 ).

Oh yeah - give me those examples then:

Would love to. Remember the guidelines!

# Artist - track_name 

• comment

1. Anberline - Fin
2. Submersed - Hollow
3. Machinae Supremacy - Gimme More 
• Notice how good Britney Spears' songs sounds, when she's not in it :)
4. Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jacker 
• She's good looking (I'm a guy but I will still say he's not bad looking either) and this one pulls the exception for rule number 4
5. Hinder - Waking Up the Devil
6. Unkle - Burn My Shadow
7. Slipknot - Circle 
• Notice a track from Slipknot without a scream *double side-nose-poke*
8. 12 Stones - Eric's Song
9. Alexi Murdoch - Breathe
10. Breaking Benjamin - Breath
11. Coldplay - Trouble
12. Dire Straits - Heavy Fuel 
• It's old but it ricks
13. Disturbed - Indestructible
14. Eric Clapton - Layla 
• Normal and acoustic version
15. Evanescence - My Last Breath 
• Notice all the songs I like with title about the lungs functionality o_O
16. Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
17. Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
18. Gregorian - Join Me
19. Howard Shore - The Bridge of Khazad Dum 
• Lord of the Ring theme
20. Jack Johnson - Better Together
21. John Butler Trio - Ocean 
• There are a lot of versions but I do prefer this one
22. Jonathan Coulton - Want You Gone 
• Theme from Portal 2. "Still Alive" is also recommended
23. Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
24. Klaus Badelt - He's a Pirate 
• Theme from Pirates of the Caribbean
25. Limb Bizkit - Livin' It Up
26. Linkin Park - Crawling
27. Mark Knopfler - Punish the Monkey
28. Metallica - I Disappear
29. Muse - Undisclosed Desires
30. Nickelback - Feelin' Way Too Damn Good
31. Nightwish - End of All Hope
32. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
33. P.O.D - Youth of The Nation
34. Papa Roach - Blanket of Fear
35. Phil Collins - Hear On The Street
36. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Don't Forget Me
37. Robbie Williams - Bodies
38. Ronald Jenkees - The Sunfish Song
39. Safri Duo - Sweet Freedom
40. The Script - Rusty Halo
41. Slapshock - Miles Away
42. Staind - Devil
43. System of a Down - Hypnotize
44. Tenacious D - Dude (I Totally Miss You)
45. Three Days Grace - Riot
46. TYR - Sinklars Visa
47. U2 - Magnificent
48. Vadrum - William Tell
49. Weird A' Yankovic - White and Nerdy
50. Within Temptation feat Kieth Caputo - What Have You Done (Rock Mix)

That was 50 artists. All of them have made more than just one good track - that's for sure. But this is just a random pick of some of the good ones of these 50. There are a lot of artists who I just don't have time to give all the credit they deserve.

Last thing to be said is, that my taste of music is the best - no one better (yeah, no need to read twice - that's how it is).

If you disagree with the guidelines I like to know, and please post an example to support the comment.

Oomizuao - an Artist of Awesomeness!

I use www.deviantart.com

Don't be fooled - that place isn't just about way too big boobies, naked women and people how has a need to be seen. That place is also where you find awesome art!

So what do I like about deviantArt, also known as "dA"?

dA has some very talented artist - one of them is Oomizuao.

An example of some awesomeness from her side:

Awesome, right?

But that is far from how awesome art she can make.


Sam and Spike
When I first found her art on dA it was because one of her comics she posted.
She has this (I would say) unique style of anthro-art, which in this case will have the meaning "Human dogs"; humans with dog heads :-)
The comic I be referring to is this:

Isn't he cute?

Well be sure - not everything is cute here. And art isn't always about being cute.
Oomizuao has (among quite a few) a character named "Spike". As sticky as his name may sound, as sticky is his emotions.

Real badass, yet a sweety thang. Check out her awesome gallery here.

The story
So here comes the cool thing. Oomizuao can write!
And she's so good at writing she did this story about Spike right here.

I'm not done with this story yet, and due to time for my study I think it'll be on the other side of this month before I finish reading it.

But if I read correctly Oomizuao has not posted the full story. She's saving some for a book. How awesome is that, that you can acutally write something THAT awesome.

And what is the story about
About the two friends, Spike and Sam, who hangs out together. They are young when we enter the story and Sam doesn't know much about Spikes home. One day they go to take a swim in the nearby lake and Sam sees a bunch of nasty scars on Spike. Spike doesn't wanna talk about it and ...
Well, I leave the rest for the thrills. Thou let me give you a clue:

So - I'm glad you tuned in.

If you just MUST know how she does the art, you can take a look at her Livestream account.

First blog

Ok, this be my first blog... EVER.

I have posted one time on Wordpress.com, but that won't count now, cause this is my own blog - own name, own design.
(Yeah, it's a Google design... and before "wordpress.com" I properly chose a name - BUT THAT WON'T MATTER TODAY.)

So - what will this blog be about?
This is my personal blog which means the "filter" for things is OFF.
You can't see my face (but I'm smiling thinking of all the opinions I will be broadcasting to yeh' people) and that all the more fun, cause you can respond without caring of how I will look.

I'll be blogging about
- Politic
- World crises
- Stupid people
- Smart people
- General things which annoys me
- Music
- Art from Deviantart.com
- Books I read
- Youtube videos
- What I learned
- What I do
- What I won't do
- Jokes
... and properly something else as well.

Why follow my blog:
- You will laugh
- You will get offended
- You will learn
- You will consider another point of view
- ... and you will think "What?" and "WHAAAT?"
- ... properly also "He didn't say that?"
- ... and perhaps "AHAA - you're right, pal?"

So - tune in once or two a week if you feel bored :)