Short entry... of jokes

"Life is like a penis. Simple and relaxed until a woman comes along and make it hard."


"My friend's facebook status is "At f*cking school."
and I'm thinkin he's either upset that he's in class, or is enrolled in the greatest learning institution of all time."

"What's the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting outta bed."

"Me: Dad, how does it feel having an awesome son?

Dad: I don't know. Ask your grandpa."

I told a chemistry joke once.
It didn't get a reaction.

...Here's the joke:

So hydroxide, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into a bar.
The bartender shouted: OH SNaP

'One person's junk is another man's treasure.'
That doesn't sound gay at all.

The thing about "your mom" jokes is that they're all old and used up.
Like your mom.

I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

My girlfriend came out of the bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved down there. you know what that means?" I said, "the drain is clogged?"

Mom: Eat your carrots!
Me: I hate carrots!
Mom: But they like you~
Me: Because I don't eat them!!

I'm really excited for school to start!
I got a new white van and tons of candy for the kids!

"I call it squishy, and it shall be mine, and it shall be my squishy."
"having fun with my boob, hun?"

Death: It's your time. Give me your hand.
Guy: No! I know that if I don't touch you, I won't die!
Death: OMG you figured out the key to living forever! High five!
*high fives*
Death: Dumbass...

I hate it when I sit down to take a nice, relaxing poop and my butt is like "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!!"

"Call your doctor if you experience diarrhea, loss of vision, or death."
Yeah, in the middle of blindly taking a shit and dying, I'll give the doc a ring.

If you watch Titanic backwards, it's a heartwarming story of a ship that jumps out of the water and saves a bunch of drowning people.

It's such a bright, lovely day outside. It makes me just wanna get up, walk over to the window, and shut the blinds so there isn't so much glare on my computer screen...

When people say, "he's a nice person once you get to know him,"
what they mean is, "he's a douchebag but you'll get used to it."

Winning an argument with your girlfriend is harder than convincing your grandma that you're not hungry.

7 Rules for Dating My Daughter (Father Edition)
1) You make her cry, I make you cry.
2) Bring her home late, there's no next date.
3) Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health.
4) If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
5) No complaining while you're waiting for her. If you're bored, change my oil.
6) If your pants hang off your hips, I'll gladly secure them with my staple gun.
7) Dates must be in crowded public places. You want romance? Read a book.

If he compliments your shirt, he's looking at your boobs.
If he compliments your pants, he's looking at your ass.
If he compliments your shoes, honey he's gay.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

Two Italian men with strong accents are sitting behind a woman on a bus, having a conversation. "Emma comes first, then I come. Two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Then two asses, they come again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once more." Upon hearing this, the lady yells, "you pigs! in this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey ey ey, coola down lady," the man says, "I'mma just tellin my friend how to spella Mississippi."

How to cook frozen food:
1) Take it out of the box
2) Read instructions on the box
3) Throw away the box
4) Put food in oven/microwave
5) Take box back out of the trash cause you don't remember the instructions

If a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder", then what would you call men's underwear? "under the butt nut hut"? "over the hip wienie grip"? "over the crack sack shack"?

I got a card today saying, "I love you! from you know who <3"
Why the f*ck is Voldemort sending me love letters...

Friend: What's wrong Paul?
Paul: Remember that girl at work that I wanted to ask out but I got an erection every time I talked to her?
Friend: Yea?
Paul: Well, I finally did it and she said yes.
Friend: That's Great! How did it go?
Paul: Well, I was afraid I would get an erection, so I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg. Then I went to her house, and she was wearing the tiniest, sexiest dress ever!
Friend: So what happened?
Paul: I kicked her in the face.

Calculators: Weapons of math destruction.

"can I borrow a pencil?"
"sure, but it doesn't have an eraser."
"life doesn't have an eraser."
"..............that was deep."

Three personalities of guys:
1) when he is with his family
2) when he is with his friends
3) when he is with her

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.